I can’t sleep.
I have many thoughts, so many memories guarded inside these walls.. I have walls up because I have Been hurt very badly. I struggle with so much than everyone can see on the surface each day. But a human is like an ice berg. I put on a smile, and face the world. I choose not to be weak and sit here, miserable and let bullshit eat away at me. I might as well try. In my heart there is hope.. Hope for a better future. I remind myself this by feeling my heart beat, because that right there is called purpose..
A lot of people tell me I fuck up a lot, and frankly that hurts. I am only human. I try to make everyone happy, or at least smile. Because then I know I did something right.. I come from a family of drug addicts. I watched my brother slowly kill himself sticking needles in his veins each day for about 8 years. I don’t have a relationship with my sister. I don’t have grandparents. I really have no family. It’s not like those sisters, or families that get a long so well together.. I wish that could be me. But i suppose that is not my path. I will have to learn differently than others and feel things they haven’t. I grew up rebellious, the ‘wild child.’ my mother used to say i was 13 going on 30. I grew up quickly, since my dad didn’t take part in raising us, it was mostly my mom looking after us but it was me who did it on my own. I have many issues with my dad, therefore I hate being home. I hate being alone. I look at other people and wonder how it feels to be so close, to get the whole family together for christmas or thanksgiving.. I never got to experience that. It makes me jealous, and it makes me wonder. There are so many un-answered questions in my life. But then again, maybe I don’t know the answers because I’m not supposed too. Maybe I’m supposed to over come it myself, either way I believe that everything happens for a reason. Such things have given me many problems but it has also made me a survivor, not a victim. I remember when my parents were so sweet to me as a child, getting picked up, being told you’re gonna b president one day. Then you grow up and everything changes.. All a sudden it turns into ‘your a disappointment..’ and you need to do this and that. I dont know why it changes, but i miss being a kid.. Probably because i was blinded with the freedom of being a kid, then you discover the ugly truth about the world, and that freedom can be so easily taken away..
Truthfully, I Have been severely depressed for about 6 years. I struggled with anorexia, and cutting. I did this because I had no control over anything going on in my life.. And that pain I could control.. I’ve taken too much out on myself in my life. I blame myself a lot and I sometimes wonder why I’m here and what the fuck my purpose is. I’m just another lost soul in this world, searching for happiness and success. But as you grow up, you learn that things aren’t so simple.. You have responsibilities, you have decisions to make each day. Sometimes it isn’t the right decision, but life is about learning things, growing from them and turning your life into something better. I know I’ve gone down the wrong path before. I started to not give a fuck, i gave up on the world and gave into getting high. All I wanted was to be numb, too not have to think or feel. You slowly destroy what you have been building your whole life, just to go to sleep and wake up with the same pain. You cant run away from it, I’ve tried. Ive tried to run from so many problems until i realized no matter how far you run, You can’t hide from it, your problems will always find you. And After seeing what my brother had gone threw I didn’t want my life to be like that, in and out of rehab. Stealing, lying, and being deceiving just to get high, just to make yourself feel better. I know I will be an addict my entire life. I’m okay with that. Because I know that I overcame it, with no help or support, I went threw the physical pain of not having it.. My soul was tattered and torn, I hit rock bottom and I still came out a better person. It’s all about your mind set. You must believe in yourself. That was a dark and scary path I walked at such a young age. But all of this has made me who I am today, a stronger person with a better understanding. When i have children, i want to teach them better than this. Teach them, support them and help them grow in ways my
Parents didn’t teach me. Ill take what I’ve learned and i will give them my everything, to try and give them a better life than i had. I still try to perfect everything, but nothing in this world is perfect, nor shall it ever be. I hate it when people judge me because of my past, they don’t understand the hardships I’ve faced or overcome.. For once in my life I would just like to be told that Im doing great and that someone is proud of me. I just want some credit from the people I’ve supported the whole time threw thick and thin. I give so much and get so little in return, and i still continue to give it my all..If i had my patents supporting who I am, what I like, who I like, and what I do, I could breathe a little easier knowing I am accepted and loved for the good and bad I have in me. We were taught to make our own decisions in life, and every since we start making them.. It’s always a fight to be good enough. To fit the standards of what they call success. Fuck standards.
I wonder how much of an impact I’ve made on people, and what they’ve thought about me. I wish I could look at myself and the world from someone else’s eyes. And I wish someone could take a walk in my shoes for one day. But then again, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel what I feel. I wouldn’t even wish this upon my worst enemy.. The world is so close minded. I was born with a gift, a gift to communicate and see the ones that have passed over.. Since i was a child i new that i was different. Maybe thats why people dont like me. I can walk past someone random on the street, and i can look into their mind. I am capable of so many things, i know so much truth about the world, yet no one believes me.. I wish I could tell more people about who I really am and what I can do. Ive tried multiple times, But they just won’t except it. It’s not ‘normal.’ well what is normal anyways? Sigh. Sometimes it just feels like I’m talking, and everyone can hear me, but their just not listening. I wish I could show the world my gift without being judged or being told Im crazy, because I’m not.
It is real..i wish i could tell you when your grand mother says she loves you. They are always in my mind, wanting my help. Needing the power I have so they can pass over into the light, the spirit realm. Where is it pure happiness there. I love to feel appreciated when I’m actually helping these souls that are stuck here, i just wish you could see them, hear them, and feel them, like i do. Then maybe you’d start to open your eyes to whats right in front of you, what is really here, and the endless and unimaginable possibilities the world, and your soul is capable of. I used to wonder why I was chosen to have this gift, and why no one else could see what I do.. But they told me that I was chosen to help save this world. Being a teenager you don’t think much of it cause your wrapped up in drama, but I really need to keep reminding myself that I do help, i do have a purpose. Even if you don’t physically see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there… Don’t criticize something you don’t understand.
I usually find the bad things in life over powering the good.. I am so thankful to at least have a best friend that I know will be there for me always. I’ve fallen in love, I’ve cried millions of tears and I’ve had many restless nights. Ive put so much good out into the world, now im just waiting for it to come back to me..I’ve been broken, and completely lost. But still, I am here today. To show the world I am strong enough, to show myself that. Every step I take proves everyone who doubted me wrong. And it feels great to accomplish something even with so many looking down upon yôu. I guess, your whole life you are going to have people hate you and you will run into situations you hate. But happiness is out there somewhere.. I know it. I’ve felt it before, like when my mother would sing me to sleep at night. Everyone on this planet is searching for love. What they don’t know is that it is in every corner you look, and it’s in every scar you hide.
Everyone always asks the same question. Why can’t it be easy? Because life isn’t easy. Life is an obstacle course. If everything was easy and just how we wanted it, what would we be learning and achieving in this life? We were put here for a reason and everyone is searching for their reason. Sometimes, people can’t find their reason.. And end up ending their life, or entering the world of drugs. Everyone is addicted to something. Some choose drugs to numb the pain and try to help themselves be able to cope threw the day. But then when the next day comes your problems are still sitting right there. You can’t run from your problems. You need to face them. You need to be strong, no matter who or what tells you that you can’t do it. You can. Do what makes you happy and never let anything stand in your way.
Sometimes I wake up and cry.. Because there is this pain deep down, I dont know how it got there.. But I fight with it everyday. Not thinking I’m good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I don’t know why everyone including myself cares so damn much. I wish that standards weren’t so high, and I wish that you could buy happiness in a bottle. But then again, if you learn to make yourself happy without anyone or anything to help you, that’s real happiness you achieved, That’s courage. Thats something to be proud of. Look at all the people that are less fortunate than us. It may seem like the world is so terrible, but actually the world is fucking beautiful, it’s the people that make it ugly. Within all those people, there are actually some amazing people. And If you are lucky enough to cross paths with those people, don’t ever let them go.
I know there is more to life than what I see it as now. I want to explore the world. I want to see and experience everything I can before I die. We were put here for a reason, so why not embrace it all? I hope I will make an impact on someone or something one day. I want to be remembered for my mind not my body. I want to see smiles on everyone’s face.. Real smiles. Because a simple smile can hide so much. If you really look inside someone, you would find out the deepest and most darkest secretes you could have never imagined. Dont underestimate people. I just wish everyone didn’t have to struggle and feel so much pain. I hope one day I will see the world painted in happiness. Keep your flame lit and you will never feel darkness..
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